“Screw you,” said the Universe.

I am not a “smooth” person. I jam my fingers and toes, I trip on flat ground, I run into poles, I run into walls, I run into doors, and I run into things not even in my path. Why? Because the universe says “Screw you”. That’s why.

Today, I was especially prone to accidents. On top of my inevitable falling, there is currently snow and ice covering the ground where I live. Let’s just say this: snow and I do not go well together. Last year, my friends and I were shoveling snow (because we had nothing better to do) and my friend had a shovel full of snow and was dumping it into a pile. I was behind her and just as the snow was starting to fall off of the shovel, the wind started to blow. It blew the snow onto my face and hair. Now, ordinarily, this wouldn’t have been a big deal because snow is water which means it melts, but this snow was no ordinary snow (because that would be way too simple) No. It was yellow snow. Yup, that’s right, it was piss snow. I had piss snow all over my face and hair. Piss. In my hair. As you can imagine, I was not particularly thrilled with having urine stained snow all over my face. Some of it even got into my mouth. Why? Because the universe says (once again) “Screw you”. That’s why.

Today, I slipped and fell because of the wonderful thing that Mother Nature inflicted upon us called ice. I was walking over the snow and I stepped on what I thought was ordinary snow, but instead was ice covered in snow. It cracked and I slipped while realizing that the ice was actually covering a puddle (more like a miniature pond). Upon making my discovery of my unfortunate choice of footing, I fell into the miniature pond, all the while drenching myself in brown, murky water. That was the highlight of my day. I even got the brown water in my hair. Something disgusting got into my hair yet again.  Why? Because the universe says “Screw you”. AGAIN.

I feel like the universe has some weird fetish with screwing up people’s lives. Isn’t that life? Life is the universe saying “Hey, let’s make her get piss snow in her hair.” or “Hey, let’s make sure Emily is miserable today.” or “Oh, time to make Emily fall into a puddle of disgusting water.”.  We never get a “break” from the unfortunate moments that are the universe’s ways of entertainment. Sometimes I feel like there are these people that sit up in space and decide to torture the human race because why not? Well, I am fed up with these “people”, so I am saying this: Screw you, universe! I will probably get struck by lightning, get stuck in a ditch, or will fall into a well for saying that, but I just wanted to say it.

Please let me know your thoughts on how the mysterious, yet cruel, universe works!

Thank you to the people who read my obnoxious rant (“people”)!

Sincerely,

One More Person Screwed Over By the Universe