If Pets Could Talk

Have you ever wondered what your pet/pets would say if they could talk? I have thought about this several times and each time it scares the crap out of me. My dog has seen several things that I would NEVER let actual human beings see. I have sung (more like screeched), danced (looked like I was having a seizure), ranted (not very pretty), and cried (also not very pretty) in front of my dog. Worst of all, I have confessed several secrets to my dog. One time, when I was younger, I had stained the carpet in my family’s house with bright, red food coloring (don’t ask). Since I was freaked out, I covered the big, red spot with the couch. It has been covered up for five years. Five years. To replace carpet, you need to pay an unreasonably, large amount of money, so you can imagine why I wanted to cover it up. Well, I told my dog the whole story. If my dog could talk, I have a feeling he would blackmail me into feeding him treats for the rest of his life, or else he would blab the whole things to my parents, forcing me to pay the fee for replacing the carpet. So, basically, if my dog could talk, then he would be a nefarious, evil mastermind who blackmailed people to benefit himself. The only thing that contradicts my theory of my dog being a corrupt gangster are his looks. My dog weighs twelve pounds, has white and fluffy fur that feels like cotton, and these huge, adorable black eyes. This may make my theory seem a bit unlikely, but we all know that looks can be deceiving.

Also, I have a feeling that my dog would be judging me every time I talked to him. Maybe that’s part of the reason why we love our pets so much. It’s because they can’t talk and all they can do is “listen”  and be there for us. For example, if I was talking to my dog about my opinion on politics and he disagreed, he could tell me he disagreed and start arguing with me. I would share my opinion and he would say ” Are you kidding me? How stupid are you? Do you even watch the news? ” . And then my dog and I would get into a heated debate about the taxes that the people in our country pay. Plus, if my dog walked in on me as I binge on Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-tarts (the best possible tasting thing), he would probably say “Seriously? That’s your idea of a “diet”? You repulsive pig. I can’t even look at you right now.” and then he would turn around and walk back to his water bowl.

I really hope that my pet doesn’t start talking all of the sudden. If he does, then my dog’s secret identity of a shady, evil, mastermind/gangster would be revealed and all hell would break loose. Dog treats from the supermarkets would be reported stolen all over the country, stuffed animals would be ripped to shreds in several houses, and slobber would be covering every open surface in the country.  I can only hope that my theory is wrong, but make no mistake, you have been warned.

Thank you for reading! I have rambled about something with no actual importance yet again and for that I apologize. If you have any “theories” of your own, I would love to hear them! I will always try to read the blogs of the people that support my blog! Thank you again!




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