The Absence of Awesomeness 

Okay, so in my last post I might have mentioned that I was “back”, which I totally was… for about 3 or 4 hours. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why would such an amazing writer, and all around great person like Emily, stop blessing us with her incredible writing and over usage of parenthesis? Well, to answer your question (to my Millions Of Dedicated Readers), it’s because I suck as a human being. To further elaborate, it’s because I told myself that I was going to write, but then I kept pushing it off until eventually it became this little nagging thought in the back of my head that I could eventually brush off completely. I apologize for not sharing my incessant sarcasm, stupid rants, and useless thoughts (hey, that sounds familiar) to my loyal “readers”. 

Some uppity old snob recently told me that sarcasm was the lowest form of wit (yeah, right) and that I was extremely unladylike for using it constantly (bite me, Old Snob). I was rather offended at first because hey, she basically just insulted my entire personality, but then I remembered that as an unladylike, simple-minded person, my role was to continue being sarcastic and dim-witted. By remembering my sarcastic duties, I was then again reminded of this wonderful blog that I created. So here I am. Again.

Also, I found out that apparently I use sarcasm as a psychological buffer (like I’m gonna believe that) to keep people away. When I was told this, my first thought was about how similar this must make me to Chandler Bing. Could I be anymore sarcastic?  That was a Chandler Bing reference from Friends if you are one of the uncultured swines that hasn’t seen Friends, but still dares to read my awful blog (just kidding, just kidding…my blog is pretty frickin’ awesome).

 To those of you who failed to read my last blog (which I know never happens because all of my Millions of Dedicated Readers are, like I said, dedicated), the title of my last blog was called “IM NOT DEAD”. It seems as though I jinxed myself and died shortly thereafter, which explains my prolonged absence (again, I’m sorry, my absence must have been very traumatic to all of you). 

In my absence, I read a lot of bad books and watched a lot of bad tv (although, I did watch a few Matt Damon movies, so bad didn’t seem so bad). In these books, I kept seeing the same, formulaic plots and  stories unfolding. It was actually pretty irritating. The characters were all stereotypical drones that made every high school movie ever made in the history of time look refreshingly new, unique and totally not stereotypical at all. I mean, these books were so awful, that I almost considered actually putting the book down and having an actual social interaction with someone. But then I thought “no pain, no gain” (which, in case you were wondering, there was a lot of pain, and absolutely no gain, so in conclusion, this saying actually sucks). These new books are really starting to go downhill in my opinion (with some rare exceptions). I mean, maybe it’s just me, but I feel like good books are the books that say things that haven’t been said before. Or books that have characters that you can just relate to and become attached to (sometimes unhealthily, in my case). Or the books where you literally have no idea about what’s going to happen. I miss those books. Maybe it’a just that I suck at picking good books to read (if you have any good suggestions, let me know). I’ll have to practice my book-picking (is that a thing?) skills. 

And one more thing to tell that I’ve been doing in my absence (not like it matters), is that I’ve recently taken up people watching. Now, before all (“all”) of you conjure up images of me with night vision goggles hiding behind bushes while Radiohead’s “Creep” plays in the background, I mean people watching in the most innocent way possible. Like watching people from a park bench. Or people watching while sitting in a coffee shop. Or waiting outside someone’s bedroom window at 1:32 am to take pictures of them while they sleep (is that wrong?). Or people watching when walking around at the mall (actually, the food court is a great place for this). You know, all the normal stuff. I’ll usually try to make up little backstories about each person. It’s kind of fun (in its own sad, little way). Then, I started to think about what story people would come up with for me as I was just sitting there, suspiciously watching everyone, and my thoughts weren’t so pleasant. I narrowed down my “story possibilities” to two. People either thought that I was a mentally deranged, psychotic woman with nothing better to do than stalk and stare, or that I was a sad, lonely woman with 13 cats that had names like Mr. Buttons or Princess Fluff-Bottom, that also had nothing better to do than stalk or stare. Either way, I end up looking like a winner, don’t I?

Alright, well I need to get back to my precious Matt Damon movies.

Thank you to the people who read my blogs! I will try to read and support the blogs of the people who support me!

Sincerely,

Emily (aka: the owner of Princess Fluff-Bottom)


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